Local Man Arrested for Correctly Predicting Everything

“Authorities say accuracy may incite unnecessary clarity.”

Hemlock Falls, KY — Federal agents descended on a quiet neighborhood last Spring to arrest 77-year-old Carl Denton, whose only documented threat to society appears to be the unlicensed distribution of common sense.

“I told them the government wastes money. They told me it was classified.”

Denton was taken into custody after posting a message on social media that read: “If I had to guess, I’d say inflation will get worse, politicians won’t fix it, and it’ll be blamed on corporate greed.” All three predictions came true within days, triggering what one official described as a “narrative destabilization event.”

“He’s not even subtle about it,” said DHS Special Agent Callahan. “He just says things that are obviously true. Loudly. Publicly. And without a license.”

According to the newly formed Department of Homeland Integrity, Denton has a history of what they’re calling “suspiciously lucid commentary.” Statements such as “The media will focus on whatever keeps you angry and tuned in,” or “Shouting doesn’t equal activism,” have raised alarms within agencies tasked with managing public expectations. His most dangerous statement to date may have been, “Government agencies might not be the best judges of what’s ‘disinformation,’” a sentiment officials say borders on cognitive vandalism.

“He’s clearly trying to stir up dangerously literal thinking,” said one anonymous fact-checker. “And that’s incredibly misleading to people who’ve been trained to expect nuance—like contradictions.”

Neighbors described Denton as quiet, polite, and prone to muttering things that made people vaguely uncomfortable. Phrases like “we all die eventually” or “your password probably isn’t safe” were not uncommon. One neighbor recalled the moment the community turned on him. Denton, standing in line at the grocery store, casually remarked to the clerk, “You know, these prices probably aren’t coming back down.”

“I felt threatened,” said the clerk, now in counseling.

The arrest comes amid broader efforts to regulate unapproved insight. Denton now faces multiple charges, including Reckless Common Sense, Unauthorized Insight, and Distribution of Predictable Outcomes.

During his bail hearing, Denton reportedly looked at the judge and said, “You’re just going to delay this, then fine me. We both know it.”

He was denied bail, and the trial has been delayed. When asked this week, officials said the investigation was ongoing, but off the record, one agent admitted they’re mostly just trying to figure out how he keeps getting it right.

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