Communism Falls from Orbit—Again. Immediately Requests Vodka

Well, it finally happened. The Cold War has officially outlasted its shelf life—like a can of Soviet borscht hurled into orbit and forgotten by history, only to reenter Earth’s atmosphere with the grace of a flaming file cabinet and the dignity of a Yakov Smirnoff rerun.

According to international officials (three baffled interns and one guy with a beard who swears he used to work for NASA), an unmanned Soviet spacecraft—presumed lost sometime between the invention of Tang and the fall of the Berlin Wall—came crashing back to Earth this week, splash-landing in the Indian Ocean like a drunken cosmonaut looking for his pants.

The capsule, labeled Kosmos-482, part of the Venera program to explore Venus, never made it to Venus and remained stuck in low Earth orbit for over five decades before finally re-entering Earth’s atmosphere on May 10, 2025.

SUSPECTED LEAKED IMAGE—Unconfirmed reports suggest Kosmos-482 may have resurfaced—complete with Cold War-era apparatus, a hammer-and-sickle, and what appears to be a 1967 RadioShack television aerial.

Launched in 1972, back when President Nixon used calculus to justify his re-election, announcing that the rate of increase of inflation was decreasing. Making him the first sitting president to campaign using the third derivative. Because nothing says, “Vote for me!” like a math lecture.

Past reports claim the capsule contained:

– A photograph of Leonid Brezhnev

– A ration tin of canned sprats in oil

– A well-thumbed copy of The Collected Works of Lenin

– A state-issued Pobeda wristwatch

– And a reel-to-reel tape labeled: “For Comrade Yuri – In Case Capitalism Implodes”

NASA called the return “unprecedented.”

Russia called it “Western propaganda.”

China offered to recycle it for parts.

Elon Musk called dibs.

Of course, the bigger question isn’t how it survived orbit, but why it came back now. My theory? The capsule was programmed to return if global communism ever made a comeback—and someone must’ve accidentally triggered it by saying “equity-based orbital redistribution” in a Davos panel.

More to come as we figure out whether it’s broadcasting Cold War-era signals or just picking up reruns of It’s About Time. Either way, I’m thrilled—and mildly radioactive.

Early telemetry suggests the thing may have briefly locked onto a signal somewhere in the South Pacific—possibly a rogue buoy, possibly a long-defunct weather station, or, in a less likely but spiritually satisfying scenario, a satellite dish fashioned out of a coconut shell on Gilligan’s Island.

That’s right. Somewhere out there, a mid-century Soviet capsule might’ve phoned home using the same technology that once helped the Professor pick up AM radio on a deserted island.

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