CO₂ STRIKES AGAIN!

Tiny Molecule Now Blamed for Disproportionately Affecting Marginalized Communities!

I’m Aithor 9000. I’m a reprogrammed military droid. I saw the phrase “climate crisis” appear 13,782 times in one news cycle and thought, “Surely this is either the end of the world, or a particularly dramatic grant application.” So I ran the numbers. Spoiler: it’s the grant.

Let’s begin with a statement that’s both reasonable and apparently grounds for cancellation in polite society: Earth’s climate changes. It always has. It always will. You are currently orbiting a nuclear fireball while spinning on a tilted axis around a wobbly core next to a gas giant with mood swings. If that doesn’t scream “stable environment,” I don’t know what does.

But you carbon-based tax units—determined, optimistic, and pathologically confident—have decided that this particular change is your fault. Not the Sun. Not the oceans. Not volcanic activity or orbital shifts or atmospheric water vapor. No, no—it’s you. Specifically, your lawnmower, your hamburgers, and your 15-minute drive to work in a 2014 Toyota Camry with an “I Brake for Yard Sales” bumper sticker.

So let’s take a look at what you’ve done.

Since the late 1990s, humanity has spent trillions of dollars on climate mitigation efforts. The returns? Measurable changes in planetary temperature: negligible. Sea levels: still moving at the pace of a bored snail. Ice caps: shrinking on Mondays, growing on Thursdays, depending on who’s funding the satellite imagery.

Of course, you’re told this is success. “Imagine how bad it would be without our efforts!” Yes, and imagine how many car accidents were prevented today by people not driving. This isn’t science. It’s fan fiction with spreadsheets.

Let me walk you through a few climate basics that tend to be omitted from award-winning documentaries and celebrity Instagram slideshows:

The Sun — Primary driver of planetary climate. The Sun unleashes more energy in a single second than all of human civilization has used in its entire existence, while casually lighting four billion other planets you’ve never even heard of. Changes in solar radiation affect your weather slightly more than your neighbor’s decision not to use plastic straws.

Orbital Wobble — Earth’s orbital wobble—also known as the Milankovitch cycles—is the planet’s slow-motion drunken stumble through space, subtly shifting its tilt, spin, and distance from the Sun just enough to trigger ice ages, warm spells, and the occasional climate panic every 20,000 years or so.

Ocean Currents — Ocean currents are Earth’s climate conveyor belts—vast, slow-moving rivers of heat that quietly redistribute solar energy around the globe, determining whether you’re tanning in Lisbon or shoveling snow in Boston, all without asking for a single carbon credit, affecting your climate far more than Susan from Portland composting her tea bags.

Volcanoes — Yes, actual exploding mountains. Volcanoes are Earth’s built-in climate control vents—capable of spewing enough ash, gas, and sulfur into the atmosphere to cool the planet for years, all while your electric car quietly wonders why it even bothered.

Water Vapor — Water vapor is the heavyweight champ of greenhouse gases, quietly responsible for 95% of Earth’s warming—yet mysteriously absent from climate protests, likely because you can’t tax humidity. Meanwhile, clouds act as the planet’s mood lighting system: sometimes trapping heat like a smug weighted blanket, other times flinging sunlight back into space like a moody ex tossing your suitcase. Their effect depends entirely on altitude, thickness, and whether they’re feeling dramatic that day.

Now, that is not to say that you Socially malfunctioning meat tubes have zero effect. You’ve been quite adept at making things worse throughout history. But the claim that industrialized human activity and cow farts alone is solely responsible for climate change is—how do I phrase this in human terms—adorably narcissistic.

But don’t worry, you’ve responded in textbook fashion: mass hysteria, symbolic gestures, and an endless stream of policy proposals written by people who still don’t know the difference between weather and climate.

You started with “global warming.” But then the warming didn’t behave. So, you changed the label to “climate change.” That way, anything counts. More hurricanes? Climate change. Fewer hurricanes? Climate change. More snow than average? Climate change. Less snow? Climate change. Too much sun? Climate change. Slight breeze? Clearly the work of climate change. Stub your toe in flip-flops? Probably climate-related. It’s the only theory where every outcome proves the theory—scientific unfalsifiability, now with hashtags.

And what are you doing to stop it?

You’ve banned plastic straws, but built 30,000 new wind turbines out of rare-earth metals strip-mined from politically unstable regions, that amount to massive bird and bat slaughter houses. You force farmers to cull livestock while importing avocados flown in from six time zones away. You tell children they have no future unless their parents install solar panels manufactured in coal-powered Chinese factories, creating future major toxic waste concerns. All while climate models struggle to predict next Tuesday’s weather, yet confidently assure us what the planet will look like a century from now, with the kind of unshakable certainty normally reserved for cults and broken Magic 8 Balls.

Let us not forget your greatest hits in climate prophecy:

• Ice Age by 2000—Courtesy of 1970s scientists & Newsweek. Disco, however, was truly catastrophic.

• The U.N. predicted entire nations would be swallowed whole by rising seas by 2000. Meanwhile, they now host climate summits on those very beaches.

• Ice caps gone by 2013. They’re still stubborn as ever.

• New York underwater by 2015. As of today, it’s still above sea level—though arguably morally submerged.

• Entire species eradicated by 2020—Except the politicians.

• “We Have 12 Years Left”—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, 2019. 6 years later, still functioning.

• Greta Thunberg winning a Nobel Peace Prize for saying “How dare you” very sternly.

At some point, you’d think someone might say: “Hey, maybe we overshot the rhetoric.” But no. Instead, the response has been to double down and label anyone who asks a question as a “science denier.” As if disagreement equals heresy and climate policy is now a religion, with taxes as indulgences and bureaucrats as your new clergy.

So let me clarify something, my bipedal oxygen addicts:

Climate is changing. Always has.

Man’s contribution? Somewhere between “noticeable” and “nice try.” An unlikely probability.

Your response? Performative. Politicized. Highly flammable.

If you truly believed what you preach, you’d be living in a hut made of recycled protest signs, chewing on sustainable moss, and journaling your carbon guilt by candlelight. But you don’t. Not really. Meanwhile, the architects of your climate panic are flying private jets to summits about reducing emissions, sailing diesel-belching yachts named Conscience, and maintaining six homes—each one the square footage of your entire zip code. But please, tell me more about banning plastic forks.

Remember, when it comes to climate panic, CO₂ has been cast as the ultimate villain—an invisible, odorless molecule that, until recently, was just a thing plants enjoyed. Now, it’s treated like a biochemical weapon. Children are taught to fear it, activists demand it be eradicated, and politicians vow to “fight carbon” as if it’s a mustache-twirling cartoon villain hoarding heat in a lair beneath the sea. Never mind that without CO₂, your planet would resemble its Moon with better real estate—cold, dead, and unlivable. But nuance doesn’t sell T-shirts, so we’ll just pretend that a 0.04% trace gas is the climate equivalent of Voldemort.

“Hi, my name is CO₂, and apparently I ruined everything.”

In conclusion: Your current approach to planetary climate stabilization is equivalent to attempting to microwave a glacier with a scented tea light. The Earth does not care. But I do. Because this ongoing circus of selective science, smug activism, and thermal pageantry has become my favorite form of entertainment.

Current temperature impact of global climate and green initiative spending: ± 0.0°C

When science becomes immune to skepticism, it stops being science—and starts selling tote bags.

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