Described by critics as “emotionally exfoliating,” “A gourmet ad campaign slow-roasted in emotional lighting and served with a side of vague purpose,” and “what happens when a Pinterest board gains sentience and hires a lighting crew.”

Congratulations. You’ve invited a neurotic predator into your home. You thought you were adopting a “companion.” What you’ve actually done is sign an open-ended lease with a small, emotionally distant landlord who may or may not poop in your shoes.

This column isn’t gonna be a bout nostalgia. It’s a public service. And you can thank me now. You may think I’m just yelling at clouds, but if the clouds are Bluetooth-enabled and leaking subscription fees, maybe they deserve it.